"They Say I Walk Around Like I Got an 'S' on My Chest..."

Two things: 1) I love Nicole. 2) I hate cops.

This doesn't stem from some type of deep-seeded racial sentiment or some psuedo-political agenda about police brutality... I just feel like the police feel that they're above the law (and with the way the justice system seems to work most of the time, it appears that they are) and above respecting people and this is my problem with them...

Nicole has had some issues with cops lately (some of it her own fault) and because of these issues, it's making me hate them even more... the other night, we're coming back from Wal-mart... her family had come into town to help her move into our new townhouse and I wanted to make everybody breakfast in the morning...

We're driving down the street when we see the blue boys behind us... we weren't speeding... hadn't ran any red lights... to be honest, we were black people out at 2 AM in a car and that's really all you need for the police to pull you over... but I digress... so the dude pulls us over... Nicole asks what the problem is while handing over her ID and registration... the officer says "I'll tell you as soon as I see who I'm talking to..."

Evil Thought 1 = "Who does this dude think he is? I should get out this car and..." At this point, I'm already pissed because if this were any other dude, I'd knock his head off his shoulders for being so disrespectful to my woman... but since he's police (who seem to be very apt at shooting black people especially when it doesn't warrant it) what can I do? If I even say something in the wrong tone, he's liable to shoot all of us, say we resisted arrest and then get a medal of honor for taking down three criminals innocent black people who weren't doing anything wrong and just want to go home...

After looking at her ID, he asks her where she lives... Evil Thought 2 = "YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE ID... why does she need to tell you address again? Do you think it's fake or something? I should get out this car and..." Finally he reveals that we missed a stop sign that we indeed DID NOT miss and proceeds to go back to his car... this entire time, I am SEETHING... not just because of how he's handling the situation but because I'm helpless... as her man, I should be able to be Superman... nothing should be able to get to her with me beside her because I should be able to effectively neutralize the situation whether it be some type of out-of-line male, nuclear holocaust or what have you...

Literally 20 minutes later, the dude comes back to the car and (you're gonna love this) when Nicole asks about the ticket, the dude says "It's all at the bottom of the ticket" and just walks off without even saying "drive safely" or "goodnight"... what happened to "Serve and Protect"? I guess the new line is "Shoot and Harrass..." Evil Thought 3 = "Yo, you're being WIIIILD disrespectful right now... we could all kill this dude right now and dump his body in the woods... nobody would know... I should get out this car and..." Nicole looks at it and it's a $180 ticket ($130 of it in court costs) Evil Thought 4 = "Really my dude? You're gonna not only pull us over, be disrespectful but you're also going to give us this ticket on a totally bogus charge? I should get out this car and..."

At this point, I have to make a decision: I can either be the angry black male, solving nothing and effectively getting my already-riled-up girlfriend even MORE riled up ORRRRR I can be the supportive boyfriend who tries to make her laugh, effectively ending her anger and keeping things from getting too hostile... I decided to be the latter... and I tried, I REALLY tried... but the ABM showed up a few times and it got to the point where she had to calm ME down... LOL...

There aren't many things that make me feel emasculated but this is one thing that always will, no matter how hard I try to not let it get to me... I know I don't have many male readers and I'm not sure that my females will really understand it (it's just one of those innate "guy things") and even though Nicole hasn't said anything to me about it, I can't help but feel like I let her down even though I'm not sure what I could have done differently... I'm just confused and frustrated, two things I don't ever care to be more than necessary... I don't have a moral to the story with this post, I'm just ranting... thanks for reading...


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"I Did Not... Have... Sexual Relations... With That Woman..."

Let the record show: I am not a cheater.

I've never cheated in my life... I've been INCREDIBLY close before but I haven't... and this isn't because I'm some type of moral superman who's simply above the temptations of having sex with someone I'm not in a relationship with... it's simply that, more often than not, I choose not to put myself into situations where something could pop off... I have a lot of female friends... some I've had sexual histories with, some I'm simply attracted to, some are just friends... but the facts are this: if I even have the smallest inkling that something could potentially happen, our friendship ends at text messages... even phone calls are a little too much in that type of situation...

This is especially the case with a friend of mine named Chaundra*... me and Chaundra met about a year ago back when I was on a "no-relationship" kick... we weren't sex buddies or anything like that... we did get a little "hands on" in one particular instance but that was really the extent of it... since she goes to school a few hours away, it was only natural that nothing would really develop from it... but we remained friends... we'd flirt and whatnot... maybe talk about our "hands on" experience...

Since then, we've only hung out once and there was so much sexual tension in the air, it was all I could do to keep from ripping her clothes off... this was all before I made it official with Nicole however... since I've made things official with her, I just don't feel right being around Chaundra... but she's intent on having me coming to visit her just to hang out and whatnot... but I just can't do it...

For one, that sexual tension is still there and probably always will be until something physical jumps off... secondly, if I were to go visit, with her being so far away and me being on a college student's budget, I'm pretty sure I'd end up spending the night instead of getting a hotel room... which means, I'd end up having sex with her... I mean, I don't want to put it so blunt but I'm just being honest... now, she's assured me that she wouldn't let that happen but let's be serious... you put two people in a room that are sexually attracted to each other with no way of getting caught, why wouldn't it pop off? Especially ones with a semi-sexual past? What could stop it?

So when I explained this to Chaundra, she made it seem like I was making too big a deal out of it... but am I? I'm thinking about my relationship here... I know my threshold when it comes to sex and honestly, I'm weak... LOL... I'm not afraid to admit it... I mean, it's one thing to cheat because you're selfish and want to fuck every girl in the world... it's quite another when you're trying to be faithful... now see, any other guy would take advantage of the situation and go smash this girl but I just don't want to put myself into a situation that I know I will end up regretting...

So now Chaundra's telling me I'm not a real friend because friends should be able to hang out with any problems... this is when my bullshit meter starts going off... that reverse psychology crap only works on 6-year-olds and naive people... see, she wants me to prove that our friendship is strong enough to make it through this thing and all that by coming up there to visit anyway but it's just dumb if you ask me... it's like if you're dieting and you keep cake in the refrigerator so you can try to prove how great your will power is... no matter, if you go three days, three weeks or six months without eating that cake, if you keep it in the refrigerator, you're going to eventually you're going to eat it (figuratively of course... nobody should be eating six month old cake...)

Not to mention... how am I going to explain to Nicole that I'm spending the night at some girl's house? LOL... you think she's having that shit? No siiiiiiiiirrrr... I just think it's better for everyone if I keep my dic--I mean, keep myself here where I am...


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*Names have been changed

"Ummm Nah, I'm Good..."

How do you tell the woman you love that her taste in clothing sucks?

Ok, let me rephrase that... while Nicole is a very fashionable person in relation to her clothes and the clothes she picks out for other people, when it comes to me, to put it plainly,she fails... of all the things she's bought me since we've been together, I've only liked two items and one I picked out...

Everything else, the red polo with the way-too-long sleeves, the rust-orange-and-black plaid shirt, the green shirt with the Ed Hardy type graphic to go with the black jeans that are WAAAAAY too fucking big... and that doesn't count all the other items she TRIED to get me... *sighhhhh* if she was somebody who just had poor taste in general, this wouldn't be that hard... but the fact is, she has really good insight when it comes to dressing herself... but when it comes to me, I just... ionno... bless her heart, she tries but she fails miserably...

I'm a simple type dude so it's not like I'm that hard to shop for... but I like certain colors, certain cuts... and I've explained this to her but she still is intent on dressing me like some other guy... LOL... I don't know if this is just how her exes dressed or something but it's just not my style...

So I need some insight... how do I tell her to stop buying me clothes (without my prior knowledge) without coming off as mean or ungrateful? I'm only asking because chances are if I go off of my own natural instincts, we're gonna break up again... LOL... I'm not always the most tactful in situations like this... I appreciate it ahead of time...


100.

"Break-ups to Make-ups..."

It's official. We've broken up.

For the third time in our almost six-month relationship, we've called it quits. These break-ups are usually the result of some misunderstanding in which we simply can't agree to disagree (or at least she can't... but I digress) and in a fit of frustration, one or both of us say "fuck it" and start looking for the next one...

The first time we broke up, it was because of an on-going argument; the real details of it escape me now. But essentially, we had an argument and Nicole felt it was my duty to come to her and make up... instead, I did what I always do when faced with a tense situation: I stay to myself... while it's nothing for me to argue and apologize over and over, once I'm done with a situation, I'm done... because nothing's getting solved... it's just a bunch of yelling back and forth and back and forth and it's just not worth it... rather than continuously engaging in the same clusterfuck of an argument, I'd rather just get on my laptop and leave it alone until cooler heads can prevail... we didn't talk for the the next 24 hours... finally, we were able to talk and after about a two-hour conversation, we decided to get back together...

The second time we broke up, it was because of a comment I made in passing... we were coming back from grocery shopping if I'm not mistaken and I made a comment to the extent of "If I were to ever get into an accident, I still wouldn't go to to church every Sunday because that's being fake... you should go to church because you feel compelled to do so not because you feel like you have to show some type of fake gratefulness to the Lord." And like always, I don't think much about the things that come out of my mouth after I say them but Nicole held to it... she said simply, "Well, if you don't want to go to church then we don't need to be together..." That was pretty much it for that conversation... we didn't talk much about it after that but to be honest, for the rest of the night, she didn't really speak to me much either... I didn't think anything of it really because it was already late and I could tell she was tired so when she went upstairs and went to bed, I didn't think twice about it... the next morning, something about her body language was telling me that was something was wrong... I tried to talk to her, joke with her, etc. but she wasn't having it... finally she ended up telling me that she was upset that our relationship was ending...

Wait. What?

Apparently, she meant the comment about me not going to church and felt that we had broken up... even though I understand the reasoning (a couple should not be unequally yoked) I didn't see why it was a reason to break up... just because I don't feel it's necessary to go to church EVERY, SINGLE Sunday, doesn't mean I love God any less or take any of my blessings for granted... but for her, that just wasn't good enough... she goes on to tell me that she was raised in a house where you go to church every Sunday (NOTE: she doesn't go to church every Sunday now though... ironic, huh?) and that her family would be doing likewise... to me, this wasn't a stupid argument... but it was a stupid thing to break up over... she felt like she would be begging me to go to church with her or that I would make up excuses not to go... now, in the past, this HAS happened... and there were certain reasons for doing so but I don't think that's the case here... in fact, the one time she did ask me to go, I went without an argument (well, except for what I wanted to wear, but that's a different story altogether...) In any event, we talked it out, prayed on it and decided that we'd continue our relationship...

Which brings us to Break-up Number Three. To me, this was The Big One. The first one that ever caused me to change my relationship status from "in a relationship" to "single" on Facebook (you know it's not official until the change happens there... LOL) It all started on Tuesday... well actually, it started on Monday... for whatever reason, I stayed up all night on Monday... literally... I didn't sleep the entire night... I have these bouts of insomnia and they're really hard to do deal with at times and with me not being an avid coffee/energy drink consumer, it makes it even HARDER to deal with... on Tuesdays, I'm in class from 9:30 AM to 9:30 PM so not sleeping is the absolute LAST thing that I need... but it was something that I had to deal with... needless to say, by the time I got back to my room around 10 that night, I was exhausted... so exhausted that I fell asleep on Nicole mid-telephone-conversation, something that NEVER happens... the next day, I woke up sick, something that almost always happens whenever I've suffered from a lack of sleep... I guess it's my body's way of telling me that I really need to get some rest... I texted Nicole and told her I wasn't feeling well and for most of the day Wednesday I slept... it was after 6 in the afternoon before I was finally awake for more than 20 minutes...

Around 7, I get a call that goes something like this:

"Hello?"
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing really. Just watching TV."
"Oh really? Well, I just wanted to know what was so important that you couldn't call me but since you're so busy watching TV just go back to doing that. Bye."
*click*

The hell just happened? I must still be sleeping because there's no way she just called and acted like I was ignoring her... after a call-back, it turns out she feels that since we didn't talk last night and she got off at 5, then I should be doing everything in my power to talk to her and see how her day went... this is where this argument REALLY begins... Nicole and I have gone back and forth on this a million times and it's seemingly not going anywhere... she feels that if she calls me more than I call her, then it means she's begging for attention and that, in a relationship, she shouldn't have to do that... and I agree, she shouldn't have to beg for attention... but in my defense, I don't see it like that... if I'm home, doing nothing and you're just getting off work, what's wrong with you calling me when you get off? Just because I know what time you get off, that doesn't mean you don't have something else to do after work... you could be going to hang out with some friends... you might have homework... I mean, who knows? I'm not busy but at certain times of the day, you are... so just call me when you're not... Nicole, however, feels that I should call her anyway and if she's busy, then she'll just tell me that she'll call me back later... to me, that's just a waste of time and makes close to zero sense but I digress...

This time around, it's more though... she brings up the fact that I'm not giving her enough attention and to me, I feel like she's being inconsiderate... I'm sick... it's not like I'm playing Madden or BSing with my roommate... I'm laid up in the bed... to her, that's not an excuse... for the rest of the night, like always, I don't wanna talk to her... I'm not in a bad mood but I don't feel like dealing with this... it's a stupid argument in my mind and I don't understand the purpose of it... that's when it hits me: my girl has a serious anger problem... it's more than just your average aggressive Black womaness... the fact that every time she gets angry, she holds me accountable... the fact that she's upset with a sick person for not showing her enough attention... the fact that small debates turn into huge arguments lets me know... the next morning, I text her that we need to talk... her response?

"No, we don't."

WTF? Excuse me? After the millions and millions of times that she would say "we need to talk" that end up being continuous nagging sessions about the things I either a) am not doing, b) need to do better or c) are not my fault but need to be held accountable for, this is the one time I want to about something that is bothering me and it's a problem? That let me know that it was over... if I'm expected to compromise on aspects of this relationship, I feel that I should get that same respect... the unwillingness to do so, lets me know that, there's no point in continuing this... of course, later that night, more arguments, more nonsense... but it's still not a done deal quite yet... then she drops the bomb on me...

"Maybe we're just moving too fast... we just need to slow down and I'll just see you when I see you..."

Excuse me? Who are you talking to? Certainly not me... it's one thing if we're two people who AREN'T in a relationship because in that type of sitaution, that's the ONLY thing that should be said... during my singlehood my motto was "Our time to together is our time together and our time apart is our time apart..." (Jay-Z's a fucking genius...) but in the realm of a relationship, that's simply unacceptable... especially one like ours which is semi-long-distance (I go to school about an hour and a half away)

"I'll see you when I see you"? The irony of this situation is that I don't feel the need to talk to Nicole as often as I do... because most times what we talk about is random fodder... and I'm not saying I don't appreciate the time we spend talking but it's not like we're talking about any life-changing stuff though... I don't see the need to always talk simply for the sake of talking... but that physical interaction (not THAT physical interaction... get your minds outta the gutter...) is NECESSARY... we need to be around each other as much as possible because we don't see each other that much... so if you're mindset is "I'll see you when I see you," then clearly, I need to go do me and let you do you... there's entirely too many females that WANT to spend time with me for me to be in a relationship where my girl doesn't want that... and on this night, I was done... I told her so and confirmed it on Facebook to make it even more concrete... and for the first time in any of our breakups, I was committed to that shit... anybody who can't have at least a little sympathy for me being sick and who feels that our time together isn't necessary is not somebody I want to spend time with... I didn't expect us to get back together and, most importantly, I didn't want us to... period...

The next morning, I get this in a text message: "After all we've been through, you're just going to change your facebook status to single?" Are we not broken up? Why should I keep it as "in a relationship" if we're not? It's not like I was doing it to be an asshole (even though we both know, whoever breaks up with the other first has all the power... LOL) but I didn't see any point of keeping my status the same if it had, in fact, changed... another small argument ensues and at this point, I'm tired... you're not my girl, so why am I wasting time arguing? With that mindset (and still a little weary from illness) I fall asleep...

When I wake up, the mood has softened... she seems sad, hurt and almost apologetic (which would be life-changing because Nicole NEVER apologizes... *sarcasm* hard to apologize when you never think you're at fault... *sarcasm* but I digress...) I'm still not wavering... until she actually says she's sorry, it's a wrap for me... I couldn't care less about how sad or hurt she is... that's when it happens... she tells me she's on the way to Greenville...

Upon arrival, we kinda just sit in the car... we're not really talking but we're not ignoring each other either... she makes small talk but nothing too major... soon, one of her friends call and I let out a sigh of relief... uncomfortable silences make me itch... after talking with the friend, she seems to open up more...

Of course, we talk and make up and finally Break-up Number Three is over... she says she's sorry for the arguments and that she's sorry for everything... I apologize too (even though I don't think I've really done anything wrong) and we move past it...

That was three days ago and I wish I could say things are better than ever but honestly, things are just lukewarm... I'm not going to say I'm still worried about the break up because I'm honestly not... it's in the past... it's over... but I honestly wonder if she's going to actively check her attitude or if it's just a matter of time before Break-up Number Four makes its debut... guess we'll see soon...


100.

"The Newest Addition to the Family..."


He's only 6 days old (and it'll be another five weeks before we can bring him home) but he is the newest addition to the family... we don't have a name yet but we're definitely taking suggestions... so far we've come up with Orion, Chugs (I refuse to call him Chuggie like Nicole is... LOL), Meko, Champ and Caesar... he's not supposed to get very big which is kinda ideal since we're only getting a townhouse... but once we get our own home, I'm planning to get an American bulldog...

In related news, the people we're getting this puppy from had to be some of the scariest people I've ever met in my life... LOL... like, seriously... first off, the road to get there was like one way and it was DEEEEEEEP in the woods... luckily it was still light out or I woulda been like "fuck that... the Klan probably lives down there..." then the lady that came out looked like a damn linebacker and her arms were all ate with bug bites... it was just strange... it looked like the start of some type of horror/torture film... LOL... but they were nice enough people...

Just wanted to share...



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